A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it