A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
The Assassin.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.