A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*pronounces UPS like yoops
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue