A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”