A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me 2 months after i graduated
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.