A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.


Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey


Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”


[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit


If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own


[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect


Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do


am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes


Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.