A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
How times have changed.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them