@RickAaron

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

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@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@withanewname

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@GloriaFallon123

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@DragonflyJonez

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.