A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.