@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

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@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@CooperLawrence

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

@thatdutchperson

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

@mind_probiotic

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

@canadasandra

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’