A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid