A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
one of
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”