I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*pulls lighter from bra*
Where’s the shit you made me at school?