@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

You Might Also Like

@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

@david8hughes

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@Browtweaten

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

@ValeeGrrl

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@XplodingUnicorn

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?