A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Still a very good boi….
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.