@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

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@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

@HatfieldAnne

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

@jwoodham

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@NrouteHQ

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

@Shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

@mommajessiec

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.