A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend