A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest