A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*jazz hands*
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
BaD BoY!!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
BRAKING NEWS!!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!