A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.