A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.