@ILikeFaucet Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
@TylerLinkin A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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@ILikeFaucet 
@stevevsninjas 12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
@hansabumsadaisy “Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
@GeorgeTakei A great tip. #CakeRex
@WoodyLuvsCoffee I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
@squirrel74wkgn [at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
@aka_fatman President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
@Playing_Dad Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
@thenoahkinsey SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
@withanewname “Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”