A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.