@TylerLinkin

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

You Might Also Like

@ILikeFaucet

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

@hansabumsadaisy

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

@aka_fatman

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@withanewname

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”