A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.