A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.


Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*


Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.


Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.


Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.


[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.


Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.