A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
can’t bark with your mouth full
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft