A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
You Might Also Like
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.