A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭