@mattZillaaaa

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

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@TheCatWhisprer

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

@TwinSurvivalist

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@funflaps

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

@ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@wilw

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

@MonkeysMarch

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

@unmehlievable

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.