A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”