A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.


It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.


[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?


Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.


I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.


in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful


100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.


I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.


My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.


My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.