A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You Might Also Like
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*