A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no