A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..