a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk