A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.