[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I found your tweet-up…
Sticker placement is key.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find