A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago