A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
You Might Also Like
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
ok like just. call me at this point
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.