A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
why no one uses midhusbands
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ooops wrong house😂😜