A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.