a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]