A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You are what you delete.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
peeping toms