A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
man i love columbo
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?