[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses