A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”