a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.