a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues