[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!