A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…