A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
This raises questions