a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.