A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
i hope my email finds you on fire
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell