[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Yup.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly