A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.