A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then


My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.


I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?


This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.


I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.


Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

disappointed viewer.


I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.


For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.