Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.