A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!


If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or


The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor


We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.


me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?


She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well


My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.


🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶


The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?