A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”