Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

technically true but not a great slogan