A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
You Might Also Like
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Husband of the year 😂
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace