A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].