A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath