a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time