A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
This week’s mood.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳