A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I think my mom just blocked me
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*