A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.